Boundaries

I don’t want him to tell me good morning if he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to feel like he has to tell me goodnight if he doesn’t want to. Most importantly, which he’s shown a great deal of resistance to is saying I love you. If, he is having problems saying it, I’d rather not hear it.

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Well, I slept in today until about 3:30 p.m. I had been up for 2 days and I finally crashed around 1 a.m. this morning.

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When I finally got up thanks to a lot of people coming in and out of my bedroom, my sister in-law Candice was standing over my bed. She got a really fantastic job today making good money and was super excited about it and wanted to tell me. After I heard everything she had to say I checked my phone immediately to see if Nicholas had messaged yet. The time was 10:30 a.m. when he sent me a picture of the kitty (Sylvester), who had surgery yesterday, and a good morning message. I waited a bit, like I said I would, then I messaged him back. When we finally started messaging at the same time, the past was brought up and of course we disagreed on it completely. Surprisingly neither one of us got upset at the difference of opinions. Progress I hope!! After he went back to work from his lunch break I felt like he left in a hurry, so I messaged him to make sure he was okay. I was shocked to find out he was when he told me that he wasn’t upset and that everything was fine. He sent me a couple of photos of him cleaning the deli and that made me feel like there was a sense of normality again. I am not, however going to let myself get carried away or let my guard down. I’m still very uneasy about it all and I don’t want to get hurt.

I thought I had slept so long that I missed the landlord today. She was supposed to be by to get the rent but hadn’t shown up yet. I’ve been waiting for two days to pay this woman and now its going to be three. When I messaged her she told me that it would be tomorrow around 12 or 1 p.m., I told her that was fine and that I’d be here. I hope and pray she brings the letter I need for my renters tax credit application, I really need to get that in the mail as soon as possible so I can get my refund back in a quick fashion. I shall see, she can be a bit of an air head sometimes so it won’t surprise me one bit if she forgets it.

My sister Mandy, before she got called into work asked me if she could create a sim on the Sims 4. I was like okay no biggie. When she tried to start the game it wouldn’t load, so I started trying to get it to work right away. I had no clue what went wrong with it but something was preventing it from loading. On top of that happening my computer has been acting all kinds of weird. Anytime something happens to my electronics I automatically think Nick and his family are doing something to them again. When we split up, a lot of weird shit started happening to my computer and phones. I have to change that thought process and forgive them if he and I are ever going to work things out. I installed an update for both windows and Avira, and now it seems to be okay and the game is loading just fine. I’m so glad I didn’t have to reformat the damn thing!!

After Nick got off work, which I have no clue when that was because he tells me nothing, he finally messaged me. Once again he was very short with me and it makes me feel worthless. He’s keeping me at such a far distance and I’m not real comfortable about it. I did however tell him that I’m going to take a few steps back to give him space and time to decide for himself when he wants to talk to me. I feel like I’ve somehow over stepped my boundaries. I don’t want him to tell me good morning if he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to feel like he has to tell me goodnight if he doesn’t want to. Most importantly, which he’s shown a great deal of resistance to is saying I love you. If, he is having problems saying it, I’d rather not hear it. When he reached out to me finally on February 1st after almost three months of being gone I thought for sure he was going to be more affectionate like my old Nicki used to be. I was so so so wrong. It’s nothing like him and nothing like I expected. It makes me second guess everything and I’m amazed that I’m okay with it. I’m a little let down but in the big picture not really. I also brought up him going to therapy, and he didn’t seem to interested. The only thing he really said was that he wasn’t going to drive that far for it. Living in New Jersey that’s going to be next to impossible. He said that he would only drive 10 to 20 minutes and no more than that. This tells me he’s not to worried about working on himself to make “us” a better team in the long run. I’m still going to do the research and try and find him a facility near his house that will take him with no insurance. We have them here in Missouri surly they have them there.

Sweet Dreams

Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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