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Today I missed Nicholas like crazy. It’s now 9:50 p.m. and today was just an okay day.
I’ve come to terms that maybe this long distance relationship with Nicholas needs to go slower on my end. Every tithat we spoke today, it was very brief. I’m just not getting back from him what I thought I would since he was the one who reached out to me. In my mind I thought that he wanted to work things out, so we could be together again. I’m starting to rethink why he wanted to start talking in the first place.
Possibly, it’s because he needs to forgive me, so he can move forward with his life. Perhaps, being Facebook friends or texting friends will have to be enough. I probably jumped all in to fast and gave myself a sense of false hope. This will NOT set me back, I absolutely refuse. On the second of February I clearly remember thinking to myself and asking if this was smart or if it were what I really wanted. So, I’ll take three steps back and readjust how I come at him. No more memes, short messages, and discussions about things that he needs to do before I can be with him.
I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe I dodged a bullet when it comes to Mr. Mark in Cape Girardeau. When I told him that Nicholas reached out to me, he acted like an arrogant pig. In the end, I blocked his number and erased his contact info for speaking to me the way he had.
All of my bills are paid except this months rent. I spoke with Darlene about my rent arrangement, and after I pay her this $52 I will be all caught up on my rent. Next month I get to start paying $119.30 each month and that’s it. With that and the car being paid off I should be doing a lot better. Oh! My renters tax credit, Darlene said she would fill out her part of the application and get me the letter I need. I need it done as soon as possible so that way I can get it in the mail. The big picture is starting to form and things are really starting to look up for me. I’m going to be thankful to god for these blessings and stop taking all the little things for granted.
In the end, I’ll make the best decision for myself. I need to go back to the mindset I had in 2015, when I decided to transition, with or without Woody my partner of 13 years. During that time I was strong and decided to do what would make me happy instead of thinking about someone else’s feelings. I was called selfish because I didn’t discuss it with him but ultimately I decided to do something for myself.
Nadia Darlene Mazonis
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