This post is for the following days. February seventeenth through today February twentieth. The past three days have been a total mind F*CK. It’s been completely overwhelming and I simply could not gather my thoughts to write coherently. Today however I woke up with a fresh clear mind and I’m blessed for it. So I ask myself this question. If I have such a clear mind, why am I having such a hard time writing this entry? I don’t know where to start, what to say, or what not to say. So, I’m just going to write without thinking. Excuse the chaos that is about to follow.
My new weave that came in on Monday is awesome! I look forward to installing it, so I can feel the joy of a good hair day again. It’s been awhile, and I so deserve to feel good about myself no matter of the things the past four years have been drilled into my brain. Something I’ve learned and need to keep telling myself is that NO ONE can make me feel a certain way. Just because that’s how they see me, I need to know that’s not who I really am. I know who I am. I know what kind of person I am, and now I know I deserve better.
Something comical happened to me over the past couple days. This gentleman requested to be friends so I obliged. He seemed nice, kind and genuine. He made several comments on my photos, and that boosted my confidence. I told him thank you, and I thought that was the end of story, well so I thought. Well, his wife, oh my, is going to message me and try to rip me a new butt, and tell me that I’m just a boy acting like a girl. I did not hold back on this woman. I said some things that I regret, but not really. My goal was to make her hate herself and cry, because that’s exactly what I felt, and what I did. I know that I was born male, but I also know that since I was a child, something was wrong. Unless you are in the same boat, there is no way that you’ll ever understand or comprehend the situation. It’s that simple. I’ve come to realize that for the rest of my life I’m going to have idiots like this. Just today this guy messages me and asks me so rudely “Are you a man?”. I simply ignored it and blocked him. From now on, I will try to educate these people instead of going off, or simply ignoring them. Both of my reactions did no good. One I tried to hurt them like they hurt me, and the other I didn’t feel like my genitals define my gender, and simply didn’t have the energy to explain it. That’s going to change.
I’m totally done with my ex. I know I’ve said it before, and maybe I shouldn’t say it again, but the more I say it, and the more he hurts me, it’s sinking in finally that he’s bad for my mental health. I’ve erased every picture of him on all of my devices, and I’m ready to move on. Doing this hurt my soul, and I cried myself to sleep. However, I’m thankful that when I woke up this morning the baggage I felt was lifted. I will no longer let him in to interrupt the path that I now am on. He will no longer consume my every thought, and when he enters my thought process I will simply tell myself that he, one wanted to kill me, and two he hit me in the face. Doing this will instantly remind me of what a bad guy he is deep down. If the memory of him gets to be too much to handle, I will move the plaque on the wall that hides his fist print from the day he went to punch my face for the second time. Instead of actually hitting me, his fist flew so close to my face that I could feel the wind. As I heard a lot, at the end of our relationship, he screamed at me saying “I want to kill you”. This should solidify the fact that he is bad for my mental health. My hope is that when I think of the good times, and instantly remember his true feelings at the end, doing this will make the flashbacks of the good times go away. I wish that we as humans could delete memories, as easily as it was deleting his pictures. Good by Nicholas, I will pray that you seek the help you need to get better. I will also pray for your future person. I pray that she does not suffer the same hell I did.
In closing, something really sad happened to me today. I still don’t know what to say or how to feel. The one family member who I thought truly supported me and understood my situation called me by my dead name to purposely hurt me. Her intentions were clear, and they worked. That’s all I will say at the moment because I don’t want to say anything to make the situation worse. If it were anyone else I know what I would do, but this is my baby sister. I will handle this delicately and with a clear mind, which I do not have at the present time. All I know is that I’ve been losing a lot of important people in my life lately and it’s really starting to hurt. My mind says cut her out but my heart says something else. The war between heart and mind is starting to make me feel all alone.
