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Why are my night’s and day’s so mixed up? Oh, yeah it’s because I’m suffering from a heart break. I finally fell asleep this morning around nine a.m. and slept all day until eleven p.m. I was awoken by a horrible dream once again. Going to bed for me is the worst, due to the fear of having dreams just like the one that woke me up tonight. I woke up in tears, crying so hard it scared me. I also felt sadder than I’ve felt in the past three months. Sunday is that horrible day which makes it three months.
The dream in short went as follows ~ It started out at one of Nicholas’s wrestling matches. Keep in mind I’ve never seen one of his matches because he did this sport in high school, so why this is the location confuses the hell out of me. Anyway, as he walked up to say something to me, I completely did not recognize him. He looked like a completely different person and acted like one too. We knew each other and talked about things only Nicholas and I would know, so I knew it was him. His actions and the way he spoke to me were one of the reasons I was crying so hard I think because he was right out hateful, crude, and arrogant. Then, the dream flashed over to me sitting on the porch at his parents house, outside smoking a cigg. Some nobody was sitting on the bench with me have no clue why they were there or who they were, so I guess they weren’t important. The front door opened and I remember getting scared. It was his step-father coming out of the house to do something outside. As he walked by us he looked over at me, tipped his hat and said “I like you much better like this.” At the time, this part even while I was dreaming, I remembered being confused because I didn’t understand what he meant. “Like this?”. Then, the ending was me standing in the bathroom, looking in a mirror and asking myself, who is this man I see staring back at me? This is the part that sprung me up off the couch like someone yanked me up.
I calmed myself down, wiped my tears, then looked at the time. I knew I had to get up and hurry, Walmart closed in an hour and I needed food badly. I HATE going to Wally World because that’s where Nicholas worked when he left, and he stocked milk of all things. I knew I was going to need milk so as I got dressed, I started talking myself into it, and reminding myself that I was strong, and I could do this. I looked like shit but I didn’t really care because my mood was already shot when I woke up. Guess what I bought? Pepsi, chips, salsa, cereal, and milk. I know I said I need to break that habit, but it’s just easy and quick to prepare. I can’t stand going in my kitchen, so the least time spent in there is alright with me. The kitchen and my closet are two places that I’m having problems going into, I know why, but I’m just not ready to talk about that here. I have therapy on Monday and I’m sure, she’s going give me some common sense advice to help me with this.
As I was running through Walmart trying to get out of there as fast as possible, I was trying to make sense of my dream. I think dreams try to explain things to us about our experiences and feelings from our waking hours. I believe in my dream Nicholas looked and acted differently to me because he’s already acted towards me in ways he never would have before. The whole friend thing has blown me out of the water. I’ve tried to be cool with it, but I think it’s too soon for me to be “just friends”. For me to heal I need space to try to heal my heart before letting him in as a friend. I still need to have this talk with him, it’s killing me to even think I have to tell him I can’t talk to him at this point in my life. I know he’s hurting too, and I’d love to be there for him like he wants me to be, but it’s going to have to be in my time not his, because it’s slowly killing me. I’d love nothing more than to be “just” friends with him. I’ll always love him and I know from experience I’m capable of being “just” friends with my ex’s. I’m friends with two of my ex’s now and I love Nicholas just as much, and I know at some point I’m going to want him in my life too. No matter how small of a part. When I’m ready, I’ll reach out to him if possible and ask him how his life is. If I’m welcomed to be his friend at that time, great, if not then I’ll be cool with that too. The looking different part, I’m not sure why he looked different. Maybe it’s because I don’t want him to change or forget about me. The part about his step-father saying “I like you better like this”, after the ending I knew why. It explained to me it was because I looked like a boy. Deep in my heart I think Nicholas didn’t understand how my gender was so fluid. And to explain it is very simple. It’s because I fear for my life when I’m my true self. The public, and public places, horrify me. Being terrified of what could happen to me if I came across the right person who hated transgender people. This fear makes me never want to leave my house among other reasons which I plan on sharing at some point. I think maybe he said something to his parents about it, which I’m cool with, but then they might have used that too against me by telling him that I “tricked” him. He once said in an argument about 6 months before our relationship ended, he said that I “tricked” him. To this day, I do not know what he meant, but now I think I got my answer. I feel like they all believe I’m not really transgender and that I tricked Nicholas somehow. In the end, they played a lot of mind games and manipulated him like I’ve never seen before. They hated me in the beginning, like HATED me, and hated me even more in the end. Sadly they’ve done it his whole life. They’ve ruined every relationship he’s ever had, so I was told. I’m just proud of myself for out lasting their abuse longer than any of his other gal pals. I made it four years, the longest other relationship was two and a half years I believe. Maybe it was just two years not real certain. The ending of the dream is what hurts the most and has for many reasons. For as long as I can remember recognizing myself in a mirror, I have always looked at the reflection and asked myself, “who is this boy, guy, man, that I’m looking at”? The four years that I was with Nicholas I didn’t do this. I felt validated for who I am. I thought he understood who I am. Now that he’s gone I find myself looking in the mirror asking myself this again. It saddens me to hate the body god gave me. I’ve asked god a million times, why? It’s even worse being enclosed in someone else’s skin. No one will ever understand this feeling unless their transgender themselves.
Out of that head space for today, I only can live there so long or I go crazy. Having this outlet to get my thoughts and feelings out of my brain is wonderful and it’s helping me a great deal. On to the positive things that has happened to me since being awake. After I ate, a friend who has been good for me in many ways messaged me. He too has been going through some tough stuff and it makes me feel needed and wanted when we talk. I was glad to hear from him and told him never to feel like he can’t message me no matter how I’m feeling or what I’m dealing with. What ever it is that talking to me helps him, he does the same thing for me. I’m always in a better mood after speaking with him and I’m very thankful that god put him in my life. I also have two other friends that I’ve been communicating with. They too have done wonders for my self-esteem and self-worth, two things that were robbed from me after our break up. I’ve never really had a friend that was a girl, talk to me and treat me the way this one friend has and it makes me feel super special. One thing I’ve learned about twitter is for some reason cis females are drawn to me. At first, I questioned it, but then I told myself not to. Who knows why these people have come across my path, and I won’t shut one more door that opens in front of me out of fear.
Which brings me to the one guy who I consider to be my best friend at this point in my life. He has been there for me from day one of this break-up, and I couldn’t thank or appreciate him more. No matter what our history is, no one who comes into my life in the future, will keep me from talking to him. If they can’t deal with that then I know they don’t truly love me, or they are jealous. That my friends, I will not deal with no more in any relationship. We are only friends now and never will be anything more. He’s going through a great deal at the moment and I hate that he’s alone dealing with it, without a best friend. I’ve prayed and prayed that his situation gets better, but we both know that the answer to that is in Gods hands. One thing I’ve always loved about this guy is he has always given me such good advice. I didn’t listen to it half the time because I was a knucklehead and thought I knew everything, I do regret that now. Since I’m older and wiser I’ve started listening more carefully and it makes more sense than ever. I hope I rest tonight so that my days and nights are back on track but I’m not going to hold my breath. I’m already afraid of another nightmare. What he has been telling me again and has told me before is that I can’t live my life through the lens of fear. I know he’s right, now I just need to learn how to do that after living this way for 44 years.
It’s going to be tough, but I have a great feeling that with all these wonderful people in my life now, it will be easier to make that transition.
Nadia Darlene Mazonis