Today my oldest sister and I pretty much relaxed all day. Other than running my baby sister to work, and picking her up, the only other thing we did was go to the store for some food. While we were hanging out, I went through the rest of the clothes that she brought me, and we donated the ones I didn’t want.
Nicholas messaged me again this morning around eight-thirty. We chatted off and on till it was time for him to go to work around noon. He’s off tomorrow, and he and his friend Chawl are going to get their fishing license, so they can go fishing. Sharing a few pictures back and forth, and having great conversations, I’m still pleased with the way things are going this time around. Around five p.m. my time, and six p.m. his time, I sent him a message saying only four more hours baby, and told him that I hoped that he was having a good day. Sent him a selfie and left it at that. Never responding to that message, or saying anything when he got home, I can only hope that he’s one, feeling well, two, that he had a good day, three, that he made it home safe. My sister who is staying with me for a few days noticed that I was quiet pretty much since I never got a response, or a message for the rest of the day. It did hurt, and I felt an overwhelming sense of heart-ache. Around eleven-eighteen p.m. my time I sent him a sweet dreams message and wished him good luck on his fishing trip tomorrow. After sending it, I really hated myself for being weak. Honestly, I’m not certain of what my head wants, and what my heart wants, I just pray that it all works out the way it’s supposed to without me getting hurt any more than I already am.
Here is another song that I came across that I absolutely love. It speaks to my soul, and I enjoy listening to it very much. The lyrics are awesome and the music is even better, if you ever get the chance go to YouTube and check it out.
Lovers Never Die by Celine Dion
You said forever after, but what came after that wasn’t what I expected. I expected you back. You said that you’re romantic, where’s the romance in this? It’s obvious that you’re full of it. I tried to give it time, but then our time slipped away. You said that you’d be fine, but finally I’m awake. You said it’s only habit, but what happened is this. It’s obvious, I’m not having it. You say the pretty things you know I like, but I can read between the lines.
If lovers never die then why do I need you? Believe when I see you, whenever I see you it kills me inside. Why’d you say goodbye if lovers never die?
I trust too easily, I trusted you’d treat me well. I’m faced with truth, but facing you I’m asking for help. You played the gentleman, but there’s no gentle in this. It’s obvious you’re full of it. You say the pretty things you know I like, but I can read between the lines.
If lovers never die then why do I need you? Believe when I see you, whenever I see you it kills me inside. Why’d you say goodbye if lovers never die?
It was just a lie, but I survived.
Why do you say goodbye if lovers never die? If lovers never die, then why do I need you? Believe when I see you, whenever I see you it kills me inside. Why’d you say goodbye if lovers never die? Why do you say goodbye if lovers never die?
I’m totally not certain on how much I should or shouldn’t say about the past four days, due to fear of it disappearing again, I will tread as lightly as I can. First, I want to say that something is different this time around, now that Nicholas and I are talking again. He has messaged me each morning, in the most loving, kind, and gentle way, and in a great mood despite his illness.
In the end, I’ll make the best decision for myself. I need to go back to the mindset I had in 2015. I decided to transition, with or without Woody my partner of 13 years. During that time I was strong and decided to do what would make me happy instead of thinking about someone else’s feelings. I was called selfish because I didn’t discuss it with him but ultimately I decided to do something for myself.
I need to record something, because it’s my true feelings. Every time I write in this journal, I make sure that what comes down from my brain and up from my heart exits out my fingers. I’ve done this since day one of my Journal. At the same time I’m terrified to record what I’m about to write, because my new friend reads my journal. The last thing I want to do is frighten him or make him get out of my lane.
If it were anyone else I know what I would do, but this is my baby sister. I will handle this delicately and with a clear mind, which I do not have at the present time. All I know is that I’ve been losing a lot of important people in my life lately and it’s really starting to hurt. My mind says cut her out but my heart says something else. The war between heart and mind is starting to make me feel all alone.
I can’t wait to make you mine and give you the life you deserve. It makes me sad you don’t know how amazing you are!! You made me feel again!! Over the internet baby!! No one has ever made me feel like you have. NO ONE!! I tease you and say it’s voodoo, but it’s really just unexplainable how much I feel for you. I don’t know how to explain my feelings about you. I know what I should say, but we just met. And we haven’t even met in person.
