Embrace Your Truth, Embody Your Strength
Embrace Your Truth, Embody Your Strength
Something Is Different
I’m totally not certain on how much I should or shouldn’t say about the past four days, due to fear of it disappearing again, I will tread as lightly as I can. First, I want to say that something is different this time around, now that Nicholas and I are talking again. He has messaged me each morning, in the most loving, kind, and gentle way, and in a great mood despite his illness.
This morning around six a.m. as I was writing Mondays journal entry I started getting messages from my sister. She had gone to a friends house the night before helping her rearrange the living room, and put together an entertainment center. When they were finished she needed a ride home, so since I was awake already I agreed to go get her. As I was getting into my car I noticed a vehicle suspiciously driving really slow down our drive towards my sisters apartment. Wanting to see if they were going to turn around and come back through, I waited patiently in my car without pulling out. Sure enough they turned around and drove really slow back out the drive. Instantly fear ran through my body, it looked as though they were casing the place looking to break into a car, or apartment. I waited for a good minute to give them time to exit our drive then I started pulling out. As I drove up the front side of my building I noticed my neighbor standing in his door looking at this car. I stopped and asked him if he noticed who that was, or if he had ever seen the car before. He hadn’t, and he added that they had pulled in and out of here slowly like that several times. GREAT! Now the whole ride there and back, I would worry that I would come back home to an empty house. After I picked her up, we both were hungry, so we decided to go to MC Donald’s. She ordered four, yes, four breakfast burritos, and I had biscuits and sausage gravy. Thankfully, when I got back home nothing had been touched, and I scarfed down my food, and finished up my journal entry.
Once I completed my journal for Monday, I called FCC right away. They still hadn’t called me back from yesterday when I left them a message. At this point, I was terrified that since I missed my appointment on Monday, they had already discharged me. When I called, they picked up this time, the next appointment they had just so happened to be a morning slot, which in the message I left them I explained that I needed and wanted afternoon appointments. Either I waited till May twenty-seventh, or I go in today at four p.m. Needless to say, I now Had my case manager at one p.m. and psychiatrist appointment at four p.m.
One o’clock rolled around, and time for the case manager to show up. Before she got here, I messaged my oldest sister and asked her if she wanted to come into town for a few days, and stay with me. She was just as excited as I was, and she told me she would let me know when she was in town, and close to arriving. My case manager meetings always go really well. Today we talked about the corona virus, and my journal website. Usually our meetings are only about thirty to forty minutes. However, today it ran a full hour because I had a lot to say about my new hobby, journaling. Once the meeting was over not even thirty minutes later my sister showed up. She told me on the phone that she had some clothes to give me, so when she got here I helped her bring them in. We sat and relaxed until three forty-five p.m., and then we headed to my psychiatrist appointment. As we were pulling into FCC my nephew called and asked if I could take him to do his driving test. I hate that he didn’t come down at two o’clock after my case manager meeting, because now he has to retake his written test. Today was his last day to take the driving part before his permit expired. I told his mother my schedule when I took her back to work after her break, she should have called, and told him what time frame I had to take him. After my appointment sis and I came back home and relaxed until it was time to go pick my sister up from work.
Wanting to scream from the rooftops but can’t, I’ve saved the best part for last. I’m totally not certain on how much I should or shouldn’t say about the past four days, due to fear of it disappearing again, I will tread as lightly as I can. First, I want to say that something is different this time around, now that Nicholas and I are talking again. He has messaged me each morning, in the most loving, kind, and gentle way, and in a great mood despite his illness. Using words of endearment like calling me his Squish again, he’s said that he will always love me, and he misses me greatly. Shocked and blown away, is an understatement for how I’m feeling. It’s like I’ve entered the twilight zone. With that said, I have to remind myself that at any moment this all could change, and he could disappear again. Do I want that to happen? Of course not, but I have to remember that it’s a great possibility.
One thing that I promised myself, and I kept that promise until tonight, was that I wouldn’t message Nicholas unless he messaged me first. The first three days it was not an issue, and I was able to maintain it, but tonight it was tugging at my heart that I needed to message him. Not because he hadn’t messaged me, or any feelings of neglect, but because it was his first day back to work after being sick, and in the hospital. Knowing how his first day was, and how he was feeling, was very important to me. My heart was breaking because who knows if anyone asked him these two simple questions. So, I messaged him, and had no expectations of getting a reply, but when he received it he would know that I cared. When he got sick, and was admitted into the hospital, I have no clue what went through his head. There was something though, I could feel it. Unlike in February when we were talking, he did not act or come across as my baby turtle. However, this time he totally is, and it’s melting me from the inside out.
After receiving my message, he replied. Totally not expecting anything, I was beside myself, and happier than I’ve been since February first. In my message I apologized for messaging him first, and for bothering him. I also made a vow to him that I thought would get overlooked. What he said was truly amazing. He said, “Squish, you can text me anytime anywhere, if you need me, or if you’re just saying hello”. These words reminded me of something he would have said to me back in 2015 when we first started talking, minus the Squish, back then it would have been just “baby”. He did tell me that he was exhausted from work, and that he just ate. By what I understood he had bought a fan because it gets really hot in his room upstairs. Also, he told me that he’ll always love me, and miss me terribly. Before, he told his Squish goodnight, he made the same vow to me, that I had made to him. To my disbelief the vow wasn’t overlooked.
Sweet Dreams, Nadia Darlene Mazonis
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