Well, I’ve been up all night once again. This should be getting old, but I’m used too it already. Perhaps being awake multiple days is better than sleeping for five days straight.
That’s what I did last week. It’s either too much sleep or not enough. My noddle is going ninety to nothing, and I even tried taking a snooze but that wasn’t happening either. If, Nicholas still lived with me we would be fighting like cats and dogs. When he went to bed, I had to go to bed, period end of story. If I didn’t it was a huge fight. He didn’t care if my mania was acting up or if I got super depressed. What he said I had to do, and when he said it. I don’t miss those disagreements what so ever. There were some nights I’d get back up because I couldn’t sleep and I’d get scolded like a ten-year-old juvenile when he noticed I wasn’t in the bed.
It was 11:40 a.m. when I received my first message from Nicholas. Now the question was how long could I wait to message him back? Not feeling too peachy this morning, and I think it was the Taco Bell I consumed around 2:30 a.m. My stomach was aching and I felt nauseous, thank God it didn’t last long, and I was feeling better in no time. I Waited for about forty minutes before I messaged Nicholas back, I could have waited longer but I really wanted to say good morning to him. He of course, wasn’t responsive right away, so I had to wait to get a reply. I miss the days when if I didn’t answer him right away and vise versa we would get huffy at each other. We were at each other’s beck and call and couldn’t wait to hear from one another. Those days are long gone along with a lot of memories he and I shared together.
While I was waiting for him to get back to me, Darlene my landlady showed up to get the rent finally. Her timing was good too because my sister Mandy was here when she showed up. Mandy lives in the one building down from me in one of Darlene’s duplexes. We both paid our rent saving Darlene a trip of driving down there. Darlene also picked up my renter’s tax credit application. Not wanting to complete it here she took it with her so that way her tax I.D. number and social security number were safe. She’s not real keen about giving those two things out just for anyone. So, she took it with her to fill it out, and she said she would even mail it in for me. I’m completely okay with this because it saves me the cost of postage. I just hope and pray she does it in a timely manner. I want that in the mail as soon as possible, so I get my refund by April or May.
As my sister and I were on our way to the gas station to get a soda, Nicholas messaged me back with a response to a message I had sent the previous night. I forgot that I had sent him a message and I don’t even know what it said because after every conversation he and I have I delete the messages, so he’s not in my messenger list, and to prevent me from obsessing over every little message he sends me. If, I didn’t do this I would be reading them over and over trying to pick out the smallest meanings out of each response. I remember now!! It was about me taking a few steps back to give him space and time to talk to me when he wanted to and not because he felt like he was being pressured because of me. I was shocked at the response I received, but not really, because he has become cold shouldered and rude just like his mother and grandfather. I knew this was going to happen since he was back around them. He is not my baby turtle anymore. I’m sure he’s in there somewhere, but he’s keeping him from me. He was so rude, arrogant, and spiteful in his response. In a nut shell he told me that he and I were only friends. That I should be happy that he was even willing to get to this point to be my friend. There was a ton more in his response but I deleted it as soon as I read it. I once again let this man make me feel worthless when I know I’m not.
His love for me has clearly changed while mine has gotten stronger due to the distance we have had in between us the past three months. This made it very clear where he stood and those weird vibes I had the first day he reached out had meaning. However sad I might be I’m totally okay with it. Not that “I” want to be his friend but if he feels like he needs to be my friend I’ll respond to him when he messages me. I won’t be waiting for his text nor will I be the first one to text him. If, he doesn’t talk to me he’ll never hear from me again. I’ve realized over the past five or six days now, that I’m totally better off without him. Yes, I miss him but I’m much happier and I don’t have a grown child telling me what to do. I will always love him, because in the beginning of our relationship he loved me better than anyone I’ve ever been with long term. The second half of our relationship on the other was the worst out of my other two long term relationships.
I was setting up my Opera browser and I had to sign up for a Gravatar so my opera browser would display my image. It took me to WordPress’s website to sign up for it and there I found I free service where you could set up your own website/blog/journal and I went ahead and started my own personal online journal. I guess it would be considered a blog but I’m going to call in my online journal. I’ve Had so much fun with it I’ve decided when I get paid next month I’m going to purchase the personal plan. For what I need, this plan is sufficient, and it’s only $48 for the entire year, that’s $4 a month, a price that I think is worth it. It’s going to encourage me even more to make sure I keep up with my journal entries, and in the process gives me the chance to have fun.
Most of the evening I spent transferring my journal entries from day book which is a journal app on my phone to my new online blog/journal. I have been doing journal entries since February 1st the first day Nicholas reached out to me. I promised myself I would make an entry every day and so far I have kept that promise. I’m actually pretty proud of myself because in the time since Nicholas left I haven’t done anything on a daily basis. My life has been very unorganized and out of sorts. This is a way for me to keep my mind occupied, a way to release all of my thoughts, and in the process gives me the chance to be creative which I love to be.
