Every time I sit down to write, the first thing that pops into my head is my last relationship, so today I’m going to write Nicholas a letter. At first, I thought no, I can’t always be writing about a relationship that I want to go away, but then again, the whole reason I’m doing this journal is to get out all of my thoughts and feelings. Who knows, maybe my journal will become “Letters to a Man I used to Love”.
As my new life started taking shape, Nicholas would enter my world. He would turn out to be my first boyfriend as my authentic self, and I would be his first trans woman ever. Being each other's firsts, I believe made the dysphoria go away, because once we saw each other face to face I was totally okay with being intimate with him
I have to get out of this apartment, because I have flashbacks all the time. Just this evening, I saw him standing at the stove cooking me breakfast. This is something he did almost every Saturday in the beginning of our relationship, but not so much in the end. To deal with these haunting memories, as soon as the visual appears, I immediately think of something else to do, and concentrate on that.
My mind is still all over the place, but I’m not as consumed with my break-up as I was then, so it might stick this time. Having a routine that I do every morning should help to focus my mind, and get things in order up there. Once I succeed at putting it together, that in itself will make me happy, and working on this routine will give me my purpose for the time being. It’s a win-win situation.
Locked out of his life, blocked for the first time since October 2015, finally I will be able to move on. There will be a day in the future however, when he reaches out to me like he did on February first, and the only difference this time will be his cries will fall on deaf ears. I’m no longer in love with him, care for him yes, but love him no. He is no longer my problem, and I wash my hands clean.
