Chico, Wait For Me
in office therapy sessions
Good evening, it’s presently 9:35 p.m. on Monday the 6th of April. This journal entry is since Saturday the 4th, Sunday the 5th, and today Monday the 6th of April. It has been undoubtedly a whirlwind the past three days. Saturday and Sunday I felt completely lost, last night I dealt with many family dramas, and today has been chaos. I’m thinking people are starting to lose their flipping minds.
I can’t wait to make you mine and give you the life you deserve. It makes me sad you don’t know how amazing you are!! You made me feel again!! Over the internet baby!! No one has ever made me feel like you have. NO ONE!! I tease you and say it’s voodoo, but it’s really just unexplainable how much I feel for you. I don’t know how to explain my feelings about you. I know what I should say, but we just met. And we haven’t even met in person.
Take the most heterosexual male we can imagine, looking in the mirror he sees breasts and a vagina on his body looking through the only tiny windows in his prison cell, his eyes. Imagine what that would do to the most heterosexual male. It’s a life of misery, and one many try to kill themselves to escape. The bulling, and right out discrimination doesn’t help either. Hell I typically never leave my house, because I fear that I will run across the wicked person who hates girls like me and will execute me.
The media is the propaganda wing of the Democrat party, and after the embarrassment over no Russia collusion, the Mueller report, and the non-existent quid pro quo Ukraine, they will do anything to bring down the Trump administration, even if they have to destroy your finances. Along with trying to mess with our finances, I truly believe this is a tactic intentionally put in place by the Democrats, and their cronies, the media, to scare the population from getting out and voting.
It’s a relief that I have no expectations from him whatsoever, and just enjoy the conversations that we've had over the past couple days. I will say I’m a bit giddy like a little girl, because he’s messaged me two mornings in a row bright and early. However, like I said I have no expectations and I’m just happy I’m not blocked out of his life.
I have to get out of this apartment, because I have flashbacks all the time. Just this evening, I saw him standing at the stove cooking me breakfast. This is something he did almost every Saturday in the beginning of our relationship, but not so much in the end. To deal with these haunting memories, as soon as the visual appears, I immediately think of something else to do, and concentrate on that.
Very quickly I lost sight of the woman who was emerging, and she was hijacked willingly by a smooth talking, good-looking boy. I was forty years old at the time, and here was this young twenty-three year old strapping young man showing me interest. I was completely blinded, and swept up in the moment. I loved how he treated me, and loved the things he would say to me. It was like he knew exactly what I wanted to hear, and knew exactly how I needed to be treated.
Bless her soul, she said some of the nicest, kindest things to me. Nothing that anyone has said impacted me more than the words that she used. I now feel free, and like it’s okay to let go. Actually I know I have to let go because it’s a life or death choice. She made sure to tell me to let loose because the more I hung on, and had contact with him the bigger of a chance his crazy ass could flip and show up here to kill me. I did miss him on occasion today, and as soon as the wacko popped into my head, I brought forward the memory of him punching me in the eye, and pinning me to the ground trying to put his hands around my neck.
After Nicholas and I were connected again on social media, I did find someone that was a big part of our online romance in the beginning. I had just began to transition and was a member of a transgender support group. That’s where he and I met. There were a lot of people in this group that were supporters and allies of the transgender community, and we got to know a few of them, and they supported our new blossoming love. When I saw her name in his friends list I immediately sent her a friend request, and we picked up as if we hadn’t lost contact with one another.
It’s funny how things happen, because if my friend had never messaged me, I would have been in the house all day talking to myself. My sister-in-law went to Arkansas when she got off work this morning, so she was gone. My sister and I aren’t talking so there wasn’t a chance she was going to pop by. It would have been a long lonely day, but instead my buddy was here with me, and we talked about EVERYTHING imaginable.
