- depression, egotistical family, emotions or emotional, facebook, heart-ache, journaling, jp, love, memories, my authentic self, quotes and poems, relationships, social media
![orphaned again why me sad girl swinging over water](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNDg2IiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDQ4NiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
The distinct feeling of being orphaned is back, and it sucks. Once more, I don't feel like I belong anywhere or maintain a purpose. The past 4 months and 13 days have been an absolute nightmare. Wondering through life lonesome and sad, with no one to belong to.
- coronavirus aftermath, depression, emotions or emotional, fear, goals, heart-ache, hope, journaling, love, memories, my authentic self, panic attack, quotes and poems, relationships
![Featured photo for Why can't I let go? Girl with a green marker with the words Let Go](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNTQyIiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDU0MiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
I'm terrified that if or when I let them go the nightmare I'm currently living will get worse. Even thinking about letting them go in fact makes me want to check myself into a hospital for observation. With my history I know I'm capable of doing something stupid. On top of all that, if I change my last name to get rid of the Mazoins name, and abandon all our hopes, dreams and goals in the past. My burning question is who would I be?
- coronavirus aftermath, emotions or emotional, faith, fear, heart-ache, journaling, love, mental health, my authentic self, panic attack, therapy
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNTEyIiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDUxMiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
Take the most heterosexual male we can imagine, looking in the mirror he sees breasts and a vagina on his body looking through the only tiny windows in his prison cell, his eyes. Imagine what that would do to the most heterosexual male. It’s a life of misery, and one many try to kill themselves to escape. The bulling, and right out discrimination doesn’t help either. Hell I typically never leave my house, because I fear that I will run across the wicked person who hates girls like me and will execute me.
- coronavirus aftermath, coronavirus covid-19, emotions or emotional, facebook, faith, fear, heart-ache, hope, journaling, love, my authentic self, panic attack, quotes and poems, social media
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNTEyIiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDUxMiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
Not that I need to be protected, but yeah it would be nice to have someone here with me if things got awful. I’ve always said that if the world gets too crazy I would bug out in the mountains away from everyone. This would be terrifying, and extremely lonely to do by myself. Nicholas and I talked about this topic before, and he was going to be my protector and bug out buddy. Oh how things have changed.
- coronavirus covid-19, egotistical family, emotions or emotional, facebook, heart-ache, instagram, love, memories, my authentic self, narcissistic mother, relationships, social media, strong confident beautiful woman, twitter
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNDMyIiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDQzMiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
Today I reached my first personal goal on Instagram, and that was reaching 500 followers. That’s pretty cool to me no matter what anyone says. I’m an ordinary transgender woman from a hick town, and 500 people are interested in my pictures? Damn right I’m excited!
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNTEyIiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDUxMiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
As my new life started taking shape, Nicholas would enter my world. He would turn out to be my first boyfriend as my authentic self, and I would be his first trans woman ever. Being each other's firsts, I believe made the dysphoria go away, because once we saw each other face to face I was totally okay with being intimate with him
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNDM5IiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDQzOSI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
Very quickly I lost sight of the woman who was emerging, and she was hijacked willingly by a smooth talking, good-looking boy. I was forty years old at the time, and here was this young twenty-three year old strapping young man showing me interest. I was completely blinded, and swept up in the moment. I loved how he treated me, and loved the things he would say to me. It was like he knew exactly what I wanted to hear, and knew exactly how I needed to be treated.
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNTM0IiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDUzNCI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
Bless her soul, she said some of the nicest, kindest things to me. Nothing that anyone has said impacted me more than the words that she used. I now feel free, and like it’s okay to let go. Actually I know I have to let go because it’s a life or death choice. She made sure to tell me to let loose because the more I hung on, and had contact with him the bigger of a chance his crazy ass could flip and show up here to kill me. I did miss him on occasion today, and as soon as the wacko popped into my head, I brought forward the memory of him punching me in the eye, and pinning me to the ground trying to put his hands around my neck.
![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciIHdpZHRoPSI3NjgiIGhlaWdodD0iNTEyIiB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNzY4IDUxMiI+PHJlY3Qgd2lkdGg9IjEwMCUiIGhlaWdodD0iMTAwJSIgc3R5bGU9ImZpbGw6I2NmZDRkYjtmaWxsLW9wYWNpdHk6IDAuMTsiLz48L3N2Zz4=)
After Nicholas and I were connected again on social media, I did find someone that was a big part of our online romance in the beginning. I had just began to transition and was a member of a transgender support group. That’s where he and I met. There were a lot of people in this group that were supporters and allies of the transgender community, and we got to know a few of them, and they supported our new blossoming love. When I saw her name in his friends list I immediately sent her a friend request, and we picked up as if we hadn’t lost contact with one another.