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Today should have been an on top of the world kind of day, but it was far from that. It seems like there are triggers every day, and around every corner that reminds me of my love story that tragically came to an end last year. Around 12:30 p.m. this afternoon, I headed up to the car lot to make my final payment. There were mixed emotions about making this payment, part of me is super excited, because this puts a pretty big chunk of money in my pocket every month, and part of me is very sad. Nicholas should have been here to enjoy the feeling of finally paying off what we worked so hard for. It totally crushes my soul that I didn’t get to see his face full of excitement when they handed us the title. I’ve also decided to move at the beginning of next year. I have to get out of this apartment, because I have flashbacks all the time. Just this evening, I saw him standing at the stove cooking me breakfast. This is something he did almost every Saturday in the beginning of our relationship, but not so much in the end. To deal with these haunting memories, as soon as the visual appears, I immediately think of something else to do, and concentrate on that. This has been working pretty well, and now the wave of sadness and heart-ache is less intense and goes away faster.

quote by elizabeth drew on haunting memories post the pain of loss agonizing haunting memory imperceptibly acceptance currents active living fresh emotions

After the car was paid, I pulled out of the lot, and headed to the store to pick up cereal and milk. About to turn left, I looked at the time, and realized that my case manager would be at my house in fifteen minutes. So, I pulled the steering wheel to the right to head back home, the cereal and milk will have to wait. I figured this would be better, and then I could get quarters, to finally do my laundry. When I pulled into the driveway she was already here waiting on me. We had our little forty minute meeting, then she was off to her next client. Visiting with her here every Tuesday is the highlight of my week. Other than my siblings, and therapists, she’s the only person I have contact with in real life. She left around 1:40 p.m., then I headed back out to the store. My cravings for Fruity Pebbles were getting serious, and I needed to satisfy them quickly. During check out I received ten dollars cash back, this was for my quarters to do my laundry. Well, I couldn’t get anyone to exchange this ten dollar bill for a roll of quarters, so I went to the car wash. Nicholas and I used to do this, and of course that triggered me. Now that I have written this out it makes sense why I made my next mistake. So, I tried putting the ten dollar bill in the changer machine and it kept spitting it out. Without thinking, I moved to the next machine, and shoved my money in it. Well, it took it, and instead of quarters, I got car wash tokens. I was PISSED!! Over the whole situation, I got back in my car, and headed home, laundry was going to wait for another day. After calming down, I realized that it wasn’t so bad. My car needs to be washed terribly, and now I can do it when it warms up.


He keeps me in his pocket
for a rainy day;
he swears I’m not an object
as he yo-yo’s me away.

A friend is what we’ll call it,
but my friend, he does not know,
each time it rains I love him—
so to his pocket, I must go.

He thinks he’s being clever,
but I am not a fool;
his love ain’t worth a penny,
so to my heart I must be cruel.”

― Coco J. Ginger

Sweet Dreams,
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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