Being in love with someone who is no longer in love with you should be easy to move past. However, for myself it's impossible it seems. Lying to myself and stuffing emotions elsewhere didn't work, because subconsciously it all was there under a brilliant script of excellent acting. When I heeded Nicks familiar voice on a personal video for the first time in 5 bleak months, I couldn't contain it any longer. A distinctive sound not forgotten, rather blocked out to shelter myself from the unbearable pain of my bleeding heart.
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Every so often it's the insignificant things that sincerely mean the most. It was around lunch time when my mobile phone rang, and on the other end Wolfie was calling. Absolutely surprised, I picked up the phone naturally assuming he was taking his lunch break. Recently, I've had the feeling that he and I were drifting apart, with an enormous mountain looming in front of us. This afternoon those foolish feelings would change. This small gesture instantly made those feeling go away.
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A tragic love story maybe, but that was it. Catina and I talked about how I felt for real about Wolfie. There’s no other way to describe my sincere feelings for him. Words do not express the gratitude, and love that I possess in my heart for this man. As we continued to talk, our conversation went from my feelings to Wolfman's feelings.
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My sister Lou has not been herself lately. She retains it in her head that she’s the only one of mothers children who act like an adult. Who has to take care of her brother and sisters. Yeah, she takes care of my younger brother who is, well never mind. He’s not in this but if he were he’d be right up Lou’s ass. Regardless, she’s prancing around on a tall horse talking herself up as if she has to rescue and take care of her three siblings. This is ludicrous and bizarre thinking on her part.
Hearing Wolfman’s voice for the first time caused me to want him even more. Not sexually, yeah maybe a little, but meaning I want him all to myself. Hearing his voice established him more of a person and not just a phone. He would also call again on his way home from the office, this time there were no nerves answering at all.
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Now I endure this on top of everything else that's going through my brain to stress and worry about. Like I want to go to a doctors office or hospital where people are ill. Knowing my luck so far today, I’d catch the coronavirus. Hopefully, it doesn’t continue to swell, but if it does I guess I know where I’m going in the next few days
My mind is still all over the place, but I’m not as consumed with my break-up as I was then, so it might stick this time. Having a routine that I do every morning should help to focus my mind, and get things in order up there. Once I succeed at putting it together, that in itself will make me happy, and working on this routine will give me my purpose for the time being. It’s a win-win situation.
I slept most of the day today other than the few times I woke up to get something to drink and open my mouth and say things that I should have thought about before speaking. I tend to do this a lot lately and I’m going to start working on it. I have to, because the things I say sometimes have consequences and hurt other people’s feelings that I care about.
