Chico, Wait For Me
Valentines Day, a day supposed to be dedicated to love and romance. Both things that I was without this year but who cares. I sure don’t. I thought, however, for some crazy reason that I would have heard from my ex today, but I didn’t. This gave me mixed emotions. On one hand, it made me sad, on the other made me feel good, because I knew he was feeling strong enough not to reach out just like I was. It was extremely hard but I too managed not to contact him.
What I enjoy most of all is the feeling of optimism. I’ve been so down for the past three months that it seemed like my world was crashing down around me. Being optimistic is such a wonderful feeling to my soul, and I’m starting to feel comfortable being alone.
I made myself a pan full of fried potatoes, onions, and two sunny-side up eggs to smother the top with. As I’ve said before my kitchen was a spot in the house that I’ve had trouble going into much less cooking a meal. For some reason this morning was completely different. It was as though I took my kitchen back. There were no sad memories, no horrible feelings, it was great, and I once again enjoyed cooking.
I slept most of the day today other than the few times I woke up to get something to drink and open my mouth and say things that I should have thought about before speaking. I tend to do this a lot lately and I’m going to start working on it. I have to, because the things I say sometimes have consequences and hurt other people’s feelings that I care about.
I have to keep it short and to the point with him if I’m going to get better myself. It’s really hard being this way, but I’m on a mission to move on, and get over him so this is the new way I’m going to handle any future contact I have with him. If there’s something I can do to help, I will, if not, I’m going to go about my day. On a side note though I will say Karma is a stinker.
Image Credit: Google I feel like I need to talk about something after rereading the message I sent to Nicholas. Let me say that I should have never compared my love for one person, over another. Both of these people…
I completely took it the wrong way when you reached out to me. For that I'm sorry. Being in . . . . .
The ending of the dream is what hurts the most and has for many reasons. For as long as I can remember recognizing myself in a mirror, I have always looked at the reflection and asked myself, "who is this boy, guy, man, that I'm looking at"? The four years that I was with Nicholas I didn't do this. I felt validated for who I am. I thought he understood who I am. Now that he's gone I find myself looking in the mirror asking myself this again. It saddens me to hate the body god gave me. I've asked god a million times, why? It's even worse being enclosed in someone else's skin. No one will ever understand that feeling unless their transgender themselves.
I didn't expect anything first thing this morning because that is not how "friends" operate, and I was made to understand very clearly yesterday that we were only friends. I did on the other hand think that he would say hello at some point and maybe show me his new drivers license that he got today, I thought he would be excited about finally being a New Jersey resident again, and want to show his new picture off.
Yesterday I was forcibly placed into the Friend Zone and told I should be content with staying just his friend. Therefore, this morning I didn't expect to get a text or anything. That's not how "friends" operate, correct? I did however think he would say hello at some point today. Maybe share with me his new drivers license that he got today? I thought he would be excited about finally being a New Jersey resident again.
