Until I’m Healed

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“Family drama” I know is no secret in anyone’s family, but in my family it seems to run rampant.

lies drama family fight bias favors back-stabbing

My brother sat at my house from the time I got back from Walmart, till the sun came up this morning. The things we spoke about, and the way he was acting made me think that no good was going to happen today. By the end of the night, he had threatened me, had a two-hour standoff with the authorities, and ended up in the hospital for a ninety-six-hour mental evaluation. Now he has a warm bed to sleep in, hot meals, and some time to think about his actions. I never want to see his face again, and if I do, I’ll tell him exactly what I think, and tell him to have a nice life far away from me.

My day was pretty much consumed with the dealings of my brother, but through it all, I managed to figure out what I wanted to tell Nicholas about being “just” his friend. The message that I wrote him before going to bed reads as follows:

I’m about to go to bed, and I’ve been thinking how to tell you what I’m about to tell you all day. I really don’t know how to, so I’m going to explain it the best I can. I know you just want to be friends, you’ve made that very clear to me. It hurts terribly, and I don’t hold that against you. When you reached out to me, I took it the wrong way, and I’m sorry, but I’m still madly in love with you, and at this point in my healing process I can’t be “just” friends. You either want me, or you don’t, and you’ve made it very clear through your actions and words that you don’t want me anymore in that way. I’m guessing, for your healing process, you need me to be in your life, even if it’s just as a friend. I get that Nicholas, I do, and it breaks my heart that I can’t be that person for you, because I’m dying every day and to save my life I have to heal my heart my way. I want nothing more than to be your friend, it’s just going to have to be when I’m ready. I can’t fully heal when I’m always waiting for a message, or wondering why you didn’t message me at all. It’s literally killing me. I know this is not your problem anymore, and I don’t expect you to care, but I don’t want to die, and I’m now afraid of that because I now know in my heart you don’t love me like that anymore. Okay, ugh take a deep breath Nadia. When I’ve healed, and I don’t know when that will be or if I ever will, but if I’m strong enough to overcome the loss of the greatest love of my life, I will reach out to you and ask you how your life is. If, I’m welcome at that time to be in your life as a friend I will be happy to be your friend. If not, I’ll kindly accept your wishes and move on, because at that time I will no longer be haunted by flashbacks and memories of you, so I’ll be just fine with not being anything to you. If at any time you are in trouble, or feel like you have NO ONE, I will always be there. I’m just a text away 573…55… I am your Mamma turtle and you are my baby. I might not be your wife for life anymore, but Mamma turtle I got that spot, and NO ONE will ever replace me. I hope you heal faster than I do, and for some reason I have a feeling you will. Hell, you’re already a thousand steps ahead of me, and I feel like I’m going backwards. Today is going to be the hardest day yet, because I know it’s only the first ninety days of the rest of my life without you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, not even someone I spent thirteen years with, so that tells me I love you more than him, or anyone else. You’re my baby boy I will never get over. Remember just like you reached out to me this time when you felt like you were dying, if you ever feel like that again, or if the pain gets to be too much, just text me. I will comfort you, and then sadly retreat again to continue my healing. JUST REMEMBER I’m here. I will never forget you, or the memory of you or us. I will forever until I die and I said it before, until they carry me out of this place in a body bag, I will stay in our apartment and never leave it, and only go outside when I have to, or someone one makes me. I’ll sit right here, look at your spot on the couch, and lay my head on your cushion every night to fall asleep, imagining I’m on your lap. Listen to Play by Alan Walker, it reminds me so much of you, and when I used to play the keyboard for you, and you loved it so much. NO one has ever loved me the way you did, and I know I’ll never find another one like you. You were special in so many ways and I’ll never forget you.

Sweet Dreams,
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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