- coronavirus aftermath, coronavirus covid-19, emotions or emotional, facebook, faith, fear, heart-ache, hope, journaling, love, my authentic self, panic attack, quotes and poems, social media
Not that I need to be protected, but yeah it would be nice to have someone here with me if things got awful. I’ve always said that if the world gets too crazy I would bug out in the mountains away from everyone. This would be terrifying, and extremely lonely to do by myself. Nicholas and I talked about this topic before, and he was going to be my protector and bug out buddy. Oh how things have changed.
The media is the propaganda wing of the Democrat party, and after the embarrassment over no Russia collusion, the Mueller report, and the non-existent quid pro quo Ukraine, they will do anything to bring down the Trump administration, even if they have to destroy your finances. Along with trying to mess with our finances, I truly believe this is a tactic intentionally put in place by the Democrats, and their cronies, the media, to scare the population from getting out and voting.
Nicholas messaged me again this morning around eight-thirty. We chatted off and on till it was time for him to go to work around noon. He’s off tomorrow, and he and his friend Chawl are going to get their fishing license, so they can go fishing. Sharing a few pictures back and forth, and having great conversations, I’m still pleased with the way things are going this time around.
It’s a relief that I have no expectations from him whatsoever, and just enjoy the conversations that we've had over the past couple days. I will say I’m a bit giddy like a little girl, because he’s messaged me two mornings in a row bright and early. However, like I said I have no expectations and I’m just happy I’m not blocked out of his life.
As my new life started taking shape, Nicholas would enter my world. He would turn out to be my first boyfriend as my authentic self, and I would be his first trans woman ever. Being each other's firsts, I believe made the dysphoria go away, because once we saw each other face to face I was totally okay with being intimate with him
I have to get out of this apartment, because I have flashbacks all the time. Just this evening, I saw him standing at the stove cooking me breakfast. This is something he did almost every Saturday in the beginning of our relationship, but not so much in the end. To deal with these haunting memories, as soon as the visual appears, I immediately think of something else to do, and concentrate on that.
Locked out of his life, blocked for the first time since October 2015, finally I will be able to move on. There will be a day in the future however, when he reaches out to me like he did on February first, and the only difference this time will be his cries will fall on deaf ears. I’m no longer in love with him, care for him yes, but love him no. He is no longer my problem, and I wash my hands clean.
Very quickly I lost sight of the woman who was emerging, and she was hijacked willingly by a smooth talking, good-looking boy. I was forty years old at the time, and here was this young twenty-three year old strapping young man showing me interest. I was completely blinded, and swept up in the moment. I loved how he treated me, and loved the things he would say to me. It was like he knew exactly what I wanted to hear, and knew exactly how I needed to be treated.
Have you ever been in love so much that you could sense the sadness that your partner was feeling? When Nicholas reached out to me. . .
