No Expectations

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Well, I missed my psychiatrist appointment today. My sister tried to wake me up this morning when she came down to get my car keys, but I just couldn’t pull myself up out of the bed. When I woke up around one p.m., because my sister-in-law was banging on the door to get her stuff she forgot when she moved, I called to reschedule. No one answered which was odd, but I left a message anyway asking them to call me back. No one ever did. They keep giving me morning appointments, and I tend to miss those, because it’s just hard for me to wake up lately. FCC, the clinic I go to for my mental health has this dumb policy where if you miss more than two appointments they discharge you. Stupid right? I know. They’ve already tried to discharge me once, but my therapist had my back and prevented it, she told them that I was going through really tough stuff, and it wouldn’t be fair to do that to me. So, in the morning since no one called me back I have to call them at eight a.m. sharp, so they don’t try to discharge me again.

When I went to call FCC I noticed that Nicholas had messaged me pretty early, I instantly felt like he was going to be mad at me, because it’s now after one p.m., and I still hadn’t messaged him back. Hurriedly I did so, I didn’t get a reply right away, but sure enough I got one eventually. There’s a big change within me this time since he contacted me after being blocked last month. I’m not waiting for a reply like I did before he blocked me. I’ve only messaged him if he messages me first. Yeah, it makes me sad that it’s this way now, but I’m okay with just being able to talk to him. It’s a relief that I have no expectations from him whatsoever, and just enjoy the conversations that we’ve had over the past couple days. I will say I’m a bit giddy like a little girl, because he’s messaged me two mornings in a row bright and early. However, like I said I have no expectations and I’m just happy I’m not blocked out of his life. Tonight for instance, we didn’t say good night or anything, I messaged him whatever it was, and he didn’t reply. No worries I’ll just wait until he’s ready to talk to me again. This did not bother me, last time it ate me up on the inside. Uncertain really why this change, but I welcome it.

quote never get too attached to anyone it will lead to expectations and expectations always lead to disappointments anticipate everything and expect nothing

Make-up, and new clothes were in the mailbox for me today. Getting stuff in the mail is a natural high. I love ordering it, waiting for it, and getting it in the mail. This can and has gotten me in trouble before, but this girl loves to shop online. Shopping in stores is mentally challenging for me, because of my agoraphobia and general fear of being attacked, because I’m transgender. It used not to be so bad when Nicholas was with me, but now if my sister doesn’t go, I don’t go. This isn’t addressed enough in my therapy sessions for the simple fact they are usually consumed with talks about my failed relationship with Nicholas. On the 27th which is my next appointment since I feel like I’m doing much better with that, I plan on bringing these issues up.

When it was time to pick up my sister I had a splitting head-ache. When she messaged me to come and get her I was laying down, because I felt nauseous, and light- headed. So, I reluctantly got up and headed her way. When I pulled in I hit this huge pothole, and it sounded like it blew out my tire, and took the bottom of my car out. Pissed off, with a headache, I had arrived. When she came out to the car she went to get in the passenger seat, but I had already switched from the driver’s seat. So, she went around to drive, got in her purse and handed me some headache medicine because she knew that’s why I wasn’t driving. I told her about the shitty service I had earlier in Steak-N-Shake, and about this gigantic pothole in their parking lot. Hopefully she remembers to talk to her boss about it, if she doesn’t I’m going to call the big bosses. When I picked her up she informed me that we had to go help my brother. He needed some gas, so some guy could take him out to the lake where his crazy ex- girlfriend lives. I’ve never mentioned it before, because I wasn’t sure who stole my registration and insurance cards out of my car, but it was this crazy wack job. I ended up getting my paperwork back from my brother, but I never want to see her again. Why my brother wanted to go see her I’ll never know, but my sister has a huge heart and will help him with whatever he needs, so we head out there. When we got there not only did they need gas, they also needed a jump, because the dude’s car wouldn’t start. This was a mess, I still had a headache, his car wouldn’t even start with a jump, and my sister curb checked my back wheel, smashing my wheel cover when we pulled in to get this guy’s gas. Finally, we said enough, and headed back home. By the time we got home my head was starting to ease up, and I was able to relax the rest of the night.

Sweet Dreams,
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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