Stipulations Of Love

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Well, I got up finally at 4:30 p.m., after the best night of sleep I’ve had in nearly three months. Falling asleep calm and peaceful and waking up optimistic and comforted. However, I was nervous because I was afraid to check my phone. The question was had Nicholas messed me yet? So badly I wanted one, but afraid to know if there was or wasn’t. Happy does not describe how I felt when I seen he had messaged me. Early this morning while I slept, he messaged me a simple good morning. Relieved that everything that took place yesterday was not my imagination or a dream. We messaged a bit after I got his text, thank god he just happened to be on his lunch break at work. It seemed like old times and my baby turtle was back. Yes, it sounds childish, but you weren’t in our relationship for four years so you can’t judge me. After he went back to work, I started to question myself. Was I making the right decision about all this. Am I doing it because my soul has been screaming for him and why is my brain telling me this may not be such a great idea after how our relationship ended? This I may never know but I can’t ignore the thoughts that ran through my mind.

For the rest of the evening I just relaxed until my sister and I ran to the Dollar store where I picked up a few things, chips and salsa and some Philly Cheese Steak hot pockets. So, I’ve been eating the hell out of some chips and salsa, noticing this pattern since being single I get stuck eating the same foods, and eat only that for a long time. This bad habit is going to change. Before salsa and chips it was Fruity Pebbles. While in the store I also picked up a pack of smokes and a new lighter. Yes, I know it’s bad for me but I could also be doing way worse things. Never spending a lot of time in any store, I was in and out real quick. This condition called agoraphobia grabs a hold of me and I have to get out of crowded public places or places that are hard to escape from. My sister Mandy who was waiting in the car was like “Damn that didn’t take long.” Because of this phobia I never spend a long time shopping, it’s in, and out for me. As I continue to write, I’m sure you’ll hear about this more when I make future entries into my journal.

At 10:30 p.m. Nicholas’s time that would be 9:30 p.m. where I live, I still hadn’t heard anything from him since we talked on his lunch break. You know this is fresh still and I’m not sure why I think he will message me goodnight but I feel like this is now a long distance relationship, and so should he. It’s eating me up on the inside because I’m so curious to know what he now views us as? One thing I do know however, is what ever he decides that it is, his family will be so angry and pissed off at him simply for just talking to me. They can’t stand the ground I walk on for many reasons but the one that stands out to me most, and hurts the worse is I couldn’t give them a grand child. There are a whole host of other reasons but this one hurts me the most. Telling myself if he doesn’t message me, it would not be the end of the world, so I messaged him a simple sweet dreams message and a good night. Told him I was thinking about him, and sent a few memes I had made for him this evening.

Low and behold he finally messaged. Yippie!!! Two days in a row! Maybe there is a future. We messaged for just a bit, because Sylvester the kitty is getting neutered in the morning. He told me that he has latched on to this kitty in absence of me, right before our world came crashing down I brought Sylvester home, so he could have a new buddy to play with. Getting rid of our baby Sebastian was heart wrenching, on the other hand keeping him was just to painful. Looking at him constantly reminded me of the day we went and picked him up as a kitten. I went a week without feeding the animals and myself. I got rid of every living thing in the house and at the time if I could have disposed of myself I would have. That was our first child together and having him without Nicholas just broke my heart every time I looked at his little white face.

Before he said good night for the second night in a row he gave me some stipulations on our future relationship if there was one. He told me that if we were ever going to be together again two things had to 100% happen. One, our finances were going to be separate. I tried doing this a long time ago but it caused and argument every time I brought it up. I know why this is an issue, it has to do with what his parents put in his head, “”She is only with you for your money,” they said” This was said so much that he started believing it and even asked me if I was only with him to get me set up in an apartment. I laughed at this question and told him “yeah and then I kept you around for four years.” It just didn’t make sense and actually a little like what his mother and grandfather would have said to him. Oh, and the fact I paid his part of the bills with his last check before he left Missouri. He was going to leave me with NOTHING and all the bills that he was supposed to cover that week so, I simply did what was the responsible thing and paid the bills, HIS bills. Well, that sent them over the edge, his whole family is about money and status. I had just paid the rent, the car payment, electric, and bought him a Christmas gift with my whole check, but I never paid anything or brought any money into the house according to his messed up family. Mind you I paid every dollar of our rent for four years, paid every car payment for four years, and the electric bill for four years. I need to stop because I get worked up when I think about it.

Because of me paying his bills his mother and him I’m guessing either paid someone or had his cousin who is a computer genius hack into my computer, take over all of my accounts and damn near locked me out of my computer, they were trying to make me pay. They went as far as to intercept a call that I made to Social Security changing my banking information. When I went to the office a week later they said I never called. To their astonishment I had proof. So, I placed a block on my account that way no one could mess with my finances. Then, they started messing with my phones. They actually reset my phone and put it into another language (Swahili) thinking I wasn’t smart enough to google what language it was to unlock it. Silly rabbit tricks are for kids.

On to the second thing he is requesting has to happen. We have to have our own cars. A little back story on this matter. When we got together and decided to purchase a new car because the one he had, was dying slowly. We traded it in as the down payment for the vehicle we had at the time of our break up. The car was $10,000, and they gave him $2,000 for his car as a trade in. That left us owing $8,000 WHICH I PAID EVERY DOLLAR OF with my money that I didn’t bring in according to his family. In his mind and warped minds of his family, they all were upset that I didn’t give him the car. Many times during our relationship he told me he’d kill me before I got that car. I was always told that he was going to leave me with the clothes on my back just like he found me. To make this more comical if I can, he had a truck in his name that he bought in August 2018. We had a car in both our names, and he had a truck that was only in his name. Any judge would have awarded me the car since I was the primary buyer, and he was just the co-buyer. The judge would have awarded him his truck since it was in his name alone. This too made them foam out the mouth. They really aren’t nice people and I’m not sure why I answered his original message on the first of February. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.

Not for a second, think I’m not playing our relationship over in my head. He actually punched me in the face pinned me to the concrete stairs and bruised my tail bone when he got angry because I simply asked him a question he didn’t like. This is why it crossed my mind that maybe this isn’t really what I want logically and had those weird vibes about what his true motivation is behind contacting me after almost three months.

Sweet Dreams
Nadia Darlene Mazonis