Writer’s block or an emotional block? Whichever, I need it to go away because the ringmaster cant take breaks.
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Nadia’s Creative mind
When I began my peer-reviewed journal three months ago, I was a little apprehensive. At the time, I was nervous about willingly allowing people to have front-row seats to my three-ring circus: my abundance of emotions carefully performing on the trapeze, and my personal thoughts racing around the ring like monkeys on miniature motorcycles. Dreadfully, these are my monkeys, and this is my circus.
That was not the only thing that I was hesitant about. In addition, there was the fact that I only knew, and that I am not a writer. I knew that being a brilliant writer would never happen, but there was a highly probable chance I would sound like a babbling baboon with a keyboard. That was my biggest fear. The question I acknowledged and proposed to myself was, could I comprehensively express through writing all my irrational thoughts and emotions? With no writing experience, and not thoroughly understanding them myself, I was not convinced that I could successfully pull it off.
For almost five years, when I would think about starting a published journal, these two things would repeatedly paralyze me. One, embarrassment about being hyper-emotional, and two, the genuine fear of being laughed at. For some clear reason, however, three months after the emotional separation with my fiancé, these two things didn’t matter to me anymore. I’m not really certain why this is, but it was a profound relief. At long last, I could launch something that would be beneficial to my mental health.
In the beginning, when I started writing, my thoughts and emotions flowed out effortlessly. Out of my imaginative mind to my fingers like water rushing out of a pinned-up dam. Lately, it’s the complete opposite. My thoughts are short-firing and racing all over the place. My overwhelming emotions are stunned to a point of not knowing how to inevitably feel. With everything that’s been going on with my ex, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.
Either I have writer’s block, or I’m suffering from an emotional block. Whichever it is, I merely want it to end. Having all these racing thoughts and emotions in my bewildered head is too much. It’s aggravating to me to be unable to release them in writing. Up to this point, writing in my journal has been beneficial to my mental health. Now, with this blockage, it’s hurting my mental stability.
Carefully moving past a writer’s block, I would think taking a break would be sufficient. Therefore, I’ve been doing just that. This emotional block, if that’s what’s going on, I have no idea where to start. For many years, I have been diligently working on the ability to manage my emotions. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never retained absolute control of them. They’ve been in the driver’s seat my entire life, and I’m at a terrible loss on how to take the wheel.
A thought just popped into my head. Don’t you love when that happens? It’s not a writer’s block or an emotional block that is preventing me from expressing myself openly. This started after my ex engaged in his little mind game with me. Could this have made the reasons, the “fears” that originally prevented me from starting my journal originally, return? I’ve never understood why those fears left, so who’s to say his mind game didn’t cause them to resurface? If this, in fact, is the reason, I steadfastly refuse to cower down, especially to fears drummed up by a narcissistic fool.
Those fears were unreasonable. Additionally, they are not necessary. Not wanting to experience my life through a lens of fear, I started working on that and have achieved some success. For that reason, I will not allow this or him to set me back. To think he possibly could be the cause of my blockage makes me nauseous. The question is, will I willingly grant him this much power and mental control over me?
As the ringmaster of my circus and these monkeys, there is not a chance in hell. Pack your bags; I have retired your act.
Until Next time
Nadia
