In one week my ex will have been gone for four months. As I sit here and think about it, this is the longest period that I’ve been single in twenty-six years. This is driving me bonkers, because I feel so alone, and like I’m just existing with no purpose. Why is it that I feel like I have no purpose, unless I have a significant other? I don’t know why, I’ve been like that my whole life, and now I want it to change more than ever. Needing someone in my life to make me feel happy, and not alone, hasn’t worked for me up to this point, and I don’t think that it will ever. First I have to learn to make myself happy, and then find my purpose on my own, and not feel like my purpose is attached to another human. Just like I’m still working on not living my life through a sea of fear, I need to start working on being happy on my own, and find my purpose. This is going to be a challenge, because I’m not even sure where to begin.
Back a couple months ago, I was talking to a guy who was all about routines, and time management, and he suggested I start making myself a morning routine. My thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions were all over the place, and no matter what I did I couldn’t do the same thing at the same time every morning. So, now that some more time has passed, I’m going to try and start one again. My mind is still all over the place, but I’m not as consumed with my break-up as I was then, so it might stick this time. Having a routine that I do every morning should help to focus my mind, and get things in order up there. Once I succeed at putting it together, that in itself will make me happy, and working on this routine will give me my purpose for the time being. It’s a win-win situation.
Today was a typical day, nothing special or exciting really, and yet again, I failed to get my dishes and clothes washed. Depression sucks, and I just want it to go away, and leave me alone. I slept in and was awoke by my nephew knocking on my bedroom window. They needed my keys to take my brother back to his place. Needing to do a few things myself, I rolled out of bed, so I could ride with them. After taking my brother home we went to the electric company, so I could pay my bill. On the way my sensor for low tire pressure went off, so now I have to deal with that, and fix it. Car problems and me absolutely do not go together, I know nothing about cars other than how to put gas in it and drive. My car will be paid off after I make this last payment. We were going to go by, so I could take care of it, but I decided to do it tomorrow. I should be over the moon that it’s my last payment, yet I’m depressed and sad about it. That doesn’t make sense to me at all, and I can’t even begin how to explain why, it is just how I feel. Maybe, tomorrow after I have the title in my hand I will feel differently, we shall see.
