Last night, after writing my letter to Nicholas in yesterday’s journal entry, I had to go to bed. Mentally, and emotionally drained there was nothing more I could think about, and during sleep is the only time I get peace for my mind and heart. I woke up around noon, and couldn’t believe that I had slept that long. Like every other time when I wake up, the first thing I do is check my phone. Going through all the notifications, missed calls from my sister, missed messages from people on Facebook, and the miscellaneous notifications from everywhere else. Then, I got to one of the last ones to open, and I instantly got light-headed as soon as I read his name.
Nicholas had posted a comment on my Facebook Journal page on yesterday’s post, which ironically was a letter to him that I thought would never make it to his eyesight. Maybe in the back of my mind I was hoping that it would, but after he blocked me on social media I felt like it would never happen. My first thought was, okay, we have each other blocked, how is he able to see my posts? Then, I was like, and he’s able to comment? Gathering my stomach down from my throat, I began to think rationally. This is a public page, and even though we have each other blocked, he must have access to it since its public. Being alright with all this, I immediately go to see what he had written. “I’m sick and just got out of the hospital” 😔
My heart sank to the lowest depths of my body. This now totally explains why I’ve had such a pull from him in my soul. He’s been in the hospital with a bad case of the flu, then it turned into pneumonia in his chest. For him, this had to be the worst feeling, having terrible asthma and breathing problems as it is. Written over and over again, I said if, and when he messages me, that it would fall on deaf ears. My compassion for this guy would not allow that. I made a simple statement on the comment he had left, and went and unblocked him on Facebook, so I could see if he had unblocked me. He had, but I couldn’t message him from there, so I checked my regular phone messages. There he was, he had sent me a message there. When I finally got to this message, he informed me that their family dog had passed away too. This made me sad, and I can’t imagine how he’s dealing with it. Being an animal lover at his core, I’m sure he’s still not over the loss.
Texting for a while, we discussed many memories that we both had of our time together. This was really nice, because it assured me that the memories that haunt me are real, and not something I only imagined being true. Spring is right around the corner, and he spoke of me marinating the meats for barbecuing, and him making his pasta salad that I love so much. We did this often in the spring and summer, he loved to barbecue. Our grill still sits on our front porch, a ghostly reminder of our past. Many other things were spoken about, but I’ll keep them to myself, because it’s just way too early to say if any of it will come to pass, but it was a positive conversation. Tired, and I’m sure not feeling 100%, he said that he was going to take a nap and his last words were Nighty Nite.
Where I got the strength not to message him again, once I thought he would be up from his nap, I will never know. I guess it’s just from the time that we have been separated from each other. My plan, if I can remain strong, and logical is to not message him at all unless he messages me first. This is going to be hard for sure, but I honestly think I’m in the right place to finally know my boundaries. For the rest of my day I really did nothing, it was just really hard to focus on much of anything. After I get this journal entry posted I plan on seeing if I can get my new remote to work on the TV that has been sitting on my bedroom floor for months. Nicholas and I never had a television in our bedroom, we always used his laptop. If I get it to work, I guess I’m going to activate my Hulu account. I never watch TV anymore, so I deactivated it about two months ago, but now maybe I’ll start since I have a new TV.
Nicholas my Baby Turtle, I hope that you feel better tomorrow, better than you did today. I’ll pray that you continue to recuperate so you can get back to work to save the money you want. If you were here I would have made you a big pot of homemade chicken noodle soup, just the way you like it, it makes me sad that they aren’t cooking for you. Also, remember to keep an eye out for your gifts. They are guaranteed to arrive by Friday the thirteenth, so start looking for them on Thursday the twelfth. Nighty Night
