Again I’ve sat down to write, and I’m finding that my brain, heart and fingers aren’t in sync. This has caused me to have to start the first sentence of this entry numerous times. My emotions are all over the place, I’m stressing over things that I can’t control, and I’ve got all kinds of fears rapidly spinning through my body. With all that going on there’s also an amazing relationship starting to form between Wolfman and myself. My mind is in overdrive making it extremely difficult to focus, and the result is a depression that’s making me want to stay in bed and cry.
A friend of mine unexpectedly stopped by this dreary afternoon to borrow a jug to pour water in his truck. It was overheating and it needed water. When he came in, he informed me that I had a flat tire on the front end of my car. It felt like he came in and punched me dead in the face. This was a clear reminder that I no longer had anyone to take care of things like this. What it did was cause me to get angry at my ex. It felt good not thinking of him for two days, and now I’m angry at him, and yet again he’s there in my thoughts. Right before I paid the last payment on my car, I told my sister that once I got it paid off, it probably would start sucking money out of me in some way. Well, I was right. Now I have a tire to fix, and a headlight to replace. I’ve known about the headlight for 2 weeks now, but that too I have no one to replace it. With the car issues and everything else brewing inside me, I feel like shutting down. The depressive side of my bi polar is in overdrive, and I hate the depressive side of this condition. I’d take being manic over depressed any day of the week.
Widespread, the coronavirus outbreak is making a lot of people nervous. Myself being one of them. Not that I’m afraid of being infected, but the aftermath it’s going to cause. I’m not going to discuss what all this means to me and what I think it’s actually a part of. If I do that it will render me emotionally in a dreadful place I don’t want to be. I’m already out of sorts, and I don’t want to make it worse. As of 12:00 a.m. this morning, there have been 18,892 deaths worldwide. With a world population well of 7.7 billion people, and so many babies being born each second, this number is minuscule. This outbreak is being sensationalized by a lot of people for a reason, we just have to wait and see what that is. Below are the numbers from this morning’s update.
CURRENT WORLD STATISTICS OF THE CORONAVIRUS
ACTIVE CASES 294,843 Currently Infected Patients
281,748 (96%) in Mild Condition
13,095 (4%) Serious or Critical
CLOSED CASES 127,771
Cases which had an outcome: 108,879 (85%) Recovered/Discharged
18,892 (15%) Deaths
Today when my lovely sister came over to wake me up from my nap, as I walked out of the bedroom she observed that my bare foot was swollen. She made a comment that my foot hasn’t been the same since the last time it swelled up. Back in November after my ex and I split up I suffered a bacterial infection on the right foot which caused me to have to go to the doctor. When she said what she did neither one of us stopped to see if it was truly the same one. As I’m sitting here writing I realize we were wrong. In fact it’s the left foot, and looking at them both I’ve noticed that they are both swollen. Now I endure this on top of everything else that’s going through my brain to stress and worry about. Like I want to go to a doctors office or hospital where people are ill. Knowing my luck so far today, I’d catch the coronavirus. Hopefully, it doesn’t continue to swell, but if it does I guess I know where I’m going in the next few days. I’m really unsure what’s going on today, but I’m starting to not appreciate it very much.
After writing to JP a couple of nights ago, I’ve not been able to talk to him as much. Something within me aches when I think about him. He wrote me an email after he had received my letter explaining to him my feelings about Wolfman. It still sits in my inbox unopened. Tonight after I get done with my journal, I’m going to make myself read it. Yesterday, I did reply to his comment on a photo on Instagram that said he was okay. Beyond question, he is one of the sweetest men I’ve ever talked to, and my heart breaks that he and I live in two different worlds. Who knows what would have become of us if we hadn’t, but the reality was we did. If you’re still reading my journal, please know I think of you often.
This morning as I slept, Wolfman hauled me with him on his entire morning routine. Every minute thing he performed I received a message as he did it, all so I wouldn’t worry about messing up his daily life. Touched and in complete awe, I couldn’t believe what I woke up to. From the day he and I started chatting I could detect his presence and see the light from his soul through the screen. It was weird I know, but there was something about how he and I communicated that hypnotized me. In the beginning everything I knew of him was through words only, which had the power to capture my attention. Once I saw what he looked like I was hooked. This afternoon we did speak while he was at work, but nowhere near the amount of time as it was yesterday. This made me happy because I didn’t feel like I was bothering him, and deterring him from his responsibilities. Right before I laid down for my nap, we were engaging in a heated conversation. One that aroused both of us. Nothing crazy or too much because he was at work, but he couldn’t get up from his desk for a minute.
As might be expected he was undoubtedly the last thing on my imaginative mind before falling asleep. When I woke up the first thing I did was see if he had messaged. This is such a relief from the nightmare that I’ve been suffering. I’ve had to actually pinch myself to make sure I’m awakeand alive. Repeatedly I’ve asked myself how this happened. The fact is I do know. There have been times where I have naturally said to others “Thanks love”or “you’re welcome love.” That doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. This also doesn’t affect me because it’s a love as in as I genuinely embrace all people. Two days ago Wolfman and I were talking about something, and I said “Yes Love” back in response. Instantly I experienced something. It felt different than when I said it in passing. That’s when the baggage from the past lifted out of my heart. Naturally it’s not erased from my memory, and the memories still flip to the front of my thoughts, but they don’t hurt like they formerly did. It’s so early in our friendship how this is possible I don’t know, but I’m not going to dispute it. I’m going to follow my heart and listen to my gut.
Like I said yesterday, we genuinely have an enormous mountain to climb. This is one of the things that have been heavy on my mind. Ascending this mountain terrifies me because I fear neither one of us possess the heart to get to the top. All I can do is pray that God has his will, and he provides us the strength to climb. This will be a true test for us I think. All I can do is pray about the situation and keep the lines of communication between us open and honest. If we achieve that and overcome our issues, I believe we will make it. The question remains, will we make it? Only one person knows, and that’s the good Lord above.
