This journal entry is for both yesterday Wednesday, March 25th, and today Thursday, March 26th. Yesterday morning I needed to get out of this house, so I walked down to my sisters. Being told that I can’t go anyplace is different than not going anyplace because I choose not to. Why there’s a difference I don’t know, but it’s starting to cause cabin fever to set in. While I was at my sisters house my case manager called. With this coronavirus spreading like wildfire they no longer can do home visits. Therefore, now our meetings are over the phone until further notice. Yet again something else to isolate us. When she called, she asked if she could occupy 8 minutes of my time and of course I said yes. We primarily spoke about the spreading of the virus and ways to prevent it. Every week when she calls, she has to do a screening or check up to see if I have a fever, where I’ve been, have I been suspected of having the virus, just a bunch of questions pertaining to the coronavirus. After we were completed with that I described to her that I wasn’t worried too much about getting the virus and told her what worries me. She told me that she in fact hadn’t thought about it from my point of view and said that I was smart for thinking that way. My point of view and what I worry about don’t have anything to do with the virus, but everything to do with what it’s doing to the world’s economy and the effect that’s going to have on people’s minds and actions. The possible scenarios that play out in my enlightened mind are frightening. Our lively conversation lasted well over 8 minutes which I didn’t mind. It upsets me that the one person that I have contact with other than my brother and sisters can no longer at this point come to my house. We all better pray things get better before they get worse if not the world as we knew it is all but over. Once our conversation was done I came back home. Depressed, and now with all this on my mind I laid down for a nap. As I was falling asleep, all I could think about was Wolfman and the possibility that he and I may never get to meet.
It was around 12:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon when I laid down. At 8:15 a.m. this morning, I opened my eyes and felt confused. Reaching for my glasses, I flung them on and instantly grabbed my phone. Realizing that I’d slept all day yesterday and throughout the night I unlocked my phone and went to my messages. Panic set in as soon as I revealed Wolfman’s messages. The first thing that I observed was where he had changed our nicknames back to our regular names. By him doing this it informed me of what I needed to know. He thinks that I’ve been snubbing him, or I no longer want to talk to him. Before I read anymore I immediately messaged him back, with no reply I then called him without barely thinking. Thank the lord he didn’t pick up. That would have been the first time he ever heard my voice. My voice and my appearance do not match in the least bit, and I’m really self-conscious about it. We’ve talked about this, and I told him when I overcame my shyness that I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but this morning I didn’t care. When he didn’t answer I seriously started freaking out. Trying not to overreact I set my phone down and got up out of bed.
As I was partaking of my breakfast, I began checking my other notifications. There was one from my ex. He had messaged the night before while I was asleep. My leading thought was Wolfman. Even though I haven’t heard back from him yet, I would have the feeling of guilt if I were to message my ex back. Was I doing something wrong or is this betraying the guy I presently have feelings for? Telling myself that I would inform Wolfman if he ever messaged again, I messaged my ex back. We messaged very little like always, and that was it. Being nice, I told him if he was bored later to shoot me a text. Just like I figured I haven’t heard from him since.
After I was done with my ex, I began flipping back up through the messages that Wolfman had written. My initial thought was how he could think that I’d given up or decided to run because of the mountain that we have to climb. It seemed like forever but in actuality it was only 15 or so minutes before he messaged back. He was on a conference call, so we couldn’t talk in length, I was just delighted he was there and talking to me again. As we were chatting, I provided my phone number to him. This way if I ever wasn’t responding he could blow up my phone until I answered. After we finished chatting, believe it or not I fell back to sleep. The next thing I knew was my phone was ringing and it was him.
My heart sank, and I didn’t want to pick up the call, I was anxious to allow him to hear my voice. Reluctantly, I answered my phone. When I discovered his voice on the other end, like a wicked trick my shyness disappeared. What we talked about was not significant to me, other than letting him know my ex had messaged. Also explaining to him that I no longer want my ex in any way. Hearing Wolfman’s voice for the first time caused me to want him even more. Not sexually, yeah maybe a little, but meaning I want him all to myself. Hearing his voice established him more of a person and not just a phone. Literally it was music to my ear. Yes I wrote ear because I only have one that works. He would also call again on his way home from the office, this time there were no nerves answering at all. We spoke on his ride home, and to be honest I couldn’t tell you what about. Both times today when I heard his voice, I dissociated and my mind went elsewhere. Probably so I didn’t worry about my voice, but mainly because I was off in a dream world dreaming of what life would be like with this astonishing man.
All afternoon I was also talking to my oldest sister. She was stranded out in the country and needed a ride. This caused me to get off my butt and get my flat tire fixed. With this coronavirus spreading, the automotive department at Walmart was closed except for emergency repairs. Since I had a warranty on my tires, I was allowed to come in. My youngest sister’s husband came over and took the flat one off and put my spare on, and off to Walmart I went. They had it fixed in no time flat and I was on my way home. Before heading out to get my sister, I informed Wolfman that I would be driving and wouldn’t be capable of answering if he messaged. There was no way I was going to make my baby worry if I didn’t answer promptly.
The trip was dreadful I tell you. An absolute nightmare. My eyesight isn’t the greatest anymore, and driving at night is, well not that easy. We finally made it to her and headed back home. I’m a little on edge over this infectious virus. So, the first proper thing I naturally asked my sister was, is anyone in the house running a mild fever? Is anyone developing coughing problems, and is anyone having problems breathing? She respectfully informed me that none of that was going on and I essentially have placed her on my own quarantine rules. She’s a bit of a gypsy and likes to be on the move, but I’ve put a stop to that for the time being. Since I genuinely want my dear sister alive, and I don’t want the rare virus she’s on lock down at my house until further notice.
As soon as we got back, I messaged Wolfman to promptly let him know I made it home safe. My phone was virtually dead when I got back, and I informed him that I would message him after it charged for a while. When I messaged him, I received no reply, so I’m assuming he fell asleep. Until I hear from him again, I will do nothing but think of him and the pleasant sound of his voice. In fact I’ll probably dream of his gentle voice when I sleep tonight. Discovering his voice and feeling guilty when I messaged my ex back has adequately informed me that I genuinely possess emotional feelings for him. As soon as possible we need to scale this mountain, so we can start our steady lives together.
