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This morning my baby sister was supposed to be at work at 9 a.m. to do some cleaning in the restaurant she worked at. She was a server but with the coronavirus situation going on, she and the entire wait staff has been laid off. 

quote by audrey hepburn the beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart the place where love resides

However, the owner being a nice guy is allowing some of them come in to pick up a few hours to complete some deep cleaning. When Lou Lou (my baby sister) wasn’t over here to get the car for work, my oldest sister (Catina) walked down to see if she was awake and out of bed. Catina was gone for a few hours which seemed odd, but I naturally assumed that my sister had called into work. If I had to guess she didn’t call off for the day, but told them she was running late. For her this wouldn’t be a surprise to me. She’s late for work almost routinely. Around 10:00 a.m. Catina, who is currently staying with me came back home. It was odd when Lou Lou wasn’t with her, so I asked “Where is she?”Not sure, she shrugged her shoulders. We looked at each other with that face of who knows. It wasn’t till around 11:30 a.m. when Lou Lou knocked on my door. We spoke for only a brief bit before she snatched up the keys and headed off to work.

As you recall, yesterday I took the tire to Walmart to be fixed before going to rescue my sister Catina. Correctly, this would not be the end of the tire situation. For most of the day today all I managed to do was work on a new page for my online Journal. I’ve been trying to get it done for a few days now, but was determined to get it up and published today. A few days ago I started it and was having trouble with one of the blocks not wanting to work. Frustrated, I gave up thinking another day I might enjoy better luck. In between working on this new page with determination, I was also chatting with Wolfman. Like the previous day, since he’s working from home, he nonetheless has to go into the office to perform parts of his job. This afternoon I squandered the chance to communicate with him on the phone on his way there. So focused on building this web page I didn’t hear the phone go off. He had messaged and said he was headed to the office, and I could call since I had his number. By the time I saw his message it was too late. I was so frustrated with myself. How could I not hear the phone? It was right beside me. Discovering the message, I started texting him, hoping he would reply. As I was going to call, I chickened out. Unsure if I should be that bold so early on. When he finally replied, I assured him that the next time he was going to work to absolutely call me. I know I have his number but I am presently his, and he’s supposed to call if I don’t respond right away. He informed me that when he was done at the office he would telephone me on his way home. Which would turn out to not be so easy either. It felt like the universe was trying to prevent us from talking. 

Once again, I was back to building my web page. It was around 2:00 p.m. when my phone rang. First thought was it’s my baby, but when I looked at the phone it was an unrecognizable number. Forwarding the call to voicemail, I continued working on my new page. Not even 2 seconds later the identical number called back. This time I answered it and low and behold it was my therapist. Completely forgetting that I had called FCC yesterday to see if appointments were being canceled or what the status was, they told me I’d be doing my session over the phone. This doesn’t surprise me that I forgot. It’s been, well, months actually since I’ve been into the office to see her. Therefore, I was excited to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. This coronavirus is all but making normal day life and activities impossible. The primary topics we would discuss were my Journal, coronavirus, and coping skills for when I start to worry about things I can’t control. Our session would go until almost 2:50 p.m. About 10 minutes before we concluded, my baby started calling. He was on his way home and called me like he said he would. Yet again, I’m in the middle of a necessary call and can’t pick up. As my therapist and I were finishing up, I shot him a message real quick. I wanted him to know why I wasn’t answering. His car ride isn’t that long, so I desperately wanted my therapy session to end. If I missed both the car ride to the office, and the car right home, I would have been so irritated. 

Finally, I was on the phone with my baby, and we talked for just a little bit. This would be the first time that he would hear me be a little panicky. Trying to get off the phone with my therapist so I could speak to Wolfman made me very anxious and hyper. It barely requires anything and nothing major to set me off. At first I was worried, because I’m a lot to handle but wasn’t sure he needed to see all that right now. In fact I was concerned that he would be like, oh hell no this woman is crazy. When I get like this, there’s nothing I can do to conceal it. He picked up on it right away and to be honest I can’t recall what exactly he said, but it comforted me in only the way he knows how.

Back to the tire that I supposedly fixed yesterday. Around 5 p.m. Lou Lou contacted my sister while she was outside getting some fresh air. In the house still on the phone with Wolfman I believe, things get a little blurry here for me. My sister comes running in informing me that I needed to call Lou Lou’s job to find out about my tires. Apparently she was having to leave work early, because the tire I precisely had fixed was going flat again. To properly say I got upset would be an considerable understatement. The first thing I expected realistically was my sister was fibbing and merely desired for me to call and get her out of work early. This too would not surprise me because that’s a trick my sister engages in many times. I’m guessing I promptly cut my phone call short with my precious baby, because I called my sister at work. When she finally got on the phone, she was remarkably short and acted like the tire was flat and she needed to go now so she could get it aired up. At this point I have no clue what Wolfman thinks of me, and of course those thoughts of him never putting up with someone like myself cross my mind. I’m bi-polar and go from this, to that in no time flat. Unable to stay focused on what he was genuinely imagining about me, my sister comes in the door. To make a lengthy story short, the guy who fixed my tire in under 5 minutes caused the hole near the valve stem to get bigger. According to Walmart, my warranty is no longer any good because of the tread. Whatever that means. Now with my sister laid off, my nephew laid off, I’m directly responsible for a tired that I didn’t bust. My sister curb checked this tire awhile back to avoid getting hit. I’m elated she did, but in the process messed my 9 month old tire up. There was a slow leak, and I thought I managed to get that fixed yesterday. Presently when I get paid on the 3rd, I have to pay $61 for a repair that I didn’t cause. All this causes me to want to do is to never let anyone drive my car again. Lou Lou would go on to curb check again, this time the rear tire on the corresponding side busting my wheel cover to pieces. Now that’s two wheel covers I have to replace and 1 tire to repair, oh and yeah a headlight to buy. The more I write the madder I get. I barely managed to get the damn thing paid off last month, and it genuinely feels like it’s being worn into the ground by letting my sister borrow the car so much. Once I get the necessary repairs completed and get my car cleaned back up, a few necessary things are naturally going to instantly change. Frieda the Fusion will no longer be a Taxi for every Tom Dick and Hairy.

After all this I couldn’t possibly tell you the time, but I laid down to try and calm down. The considerable wear and tear that my sister has been putting on my car has been weighing heavy on me for a long time now. Every time I think about it I instantly feel like my back is up against the impenetrable wall. If I become the bitch who no longer escorts my sister and the nephew back and forth to work what kind of Aunt and Sister undoubtedly does that instantly make me? Exhausted at all this crap I dozed off.

Around 9 p.m. I woke up feeling scared and all alone. I had a nightmare but possessed no clue what it was about. Nothing! All I felt when I woke up was afraid and alone. Not excessively long ago I had this exact same feeling as I was having my last panic attack. However, this time when I felt this feeling I only required one person and that wasn’t my ex. All I desired was to be in the embrace of Wolfie’s arms. After getting my eyes situated on my face, I snatched my phone up and went to message my baby. I desired him more in this moment than I have up until this point of knowing him. When I opened up our messages, I instantly began to read what he had composed while I was asleep. I’m intentionally going to accurately record it here in my Journal, because I never want to lose the most charming things that ANYONE has ever expressed to me.


 This is about us feeling good! Not just one of us. You will WANT to be with me because we make each other feel good not because I want you to make me feel good. Does that make sense baby? I can’t believe anyone didn’t care about making you feel good. You need to be with someone who cares about you as much as you care about them! I want to show you how you deserve to be treated. Not just sexually! You are such a beautiful person. Just relax and let me spoil my baby. I promise when we are together you will be treated like the lady you are. I will be so proud to have you by my side baby. I hate that you never had anyone treat you like you deserve to be treated. With love and respect. I will treat you like a lady in public but when WE are alone, WE will enjoy each other and both be satisfied. I can’t wait to make you mine and give you the life you deserve. It makes me sad you don’t know how amazing you are!! You made me feel again!! Over the internet baby!! No one has ever made me feel like you have. NO ONE!! I tease you and say it’s voodoo, but it’s really just unexplainable how much I feel for you. I don’t know how to explain my feelings about you. I know what I should say, but we just met. And we haven’t even met in person. My feelings for you are getting stronger every day. I don’t want to say anything or do anything that’s gonna scare you away. It makes me so happy just knowingly you are getting the rest you need. I want you to feel safe. I think if we are together, I will make you feel safe and you will blossom into the beautiful confident lady I know you are deep inside. Let me help you find that person I know that’s inside you. I just like spilling my feelings out to you. I’ve never been able to do that with anyone!! I want you to message me no matter what time you wake up baby!!

With a runny nose and my rosy face soaked with passionate tears, I messaged Wolfie just as he had humbly asked. More than likely if I wouldn’t have suffered the nightmare I probably would have slept throughout the night. As we were chatting, I couldn’t get the words that I had just read out of my mind. Repeatedly I kept reciting them, because I was in disbelief that I indeed read what I undoubtedly had. In the 27 years of relationships I was in, not one of them articulated these kinds of words to me. I’m not comparing one over the other, but not one of them said anything that caused me to feel like this message did. If he would have said this in person, I would have fallen passionately at his feet crying. Wolfie, know I hear you. Know the feelings are reciprocated, know I am as I’ve informed you, falling for you fast and hard.

Ultimately, I would get my new web page done for my Journal. It’s a simple landing page where all visitors will instantly start in my Journal. It’s a simple Welcome to my Journal and proper introduction of myself. I’ve included photos of myself before and after my transition, along with a specific section of my parents and siblings. It sounds straightforward and would ordinarily be, but for some reason WordPress blocks were acting up. I’m indeed glad it’s done, and it looks wonderful. While I was completing it Catina, my oldest sister went to Lou Lou’s house. They were down there for countless hours carefully taking apart a vacuum cleaner to clean it, then was trying to carefully place it back together. They earnestly tried calling me to come to assist them but for the first time Wolfie and me would realistically have our first late night chat on the phone. One I’ll never forget.

Sweet Dreams,

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