When I decided to transition in 2015, after losing my partner, I thought there was no chance in hell, that I would ever find someone to love me as my authentic self. This scared me to my core because I wanted to share my new life with someone special and not live alone for the rest of my life. During our argument over me starting HRT without his consent, he said something to me that I can’t seem to forget. I’m no longer angry at him, nor do I hold a grudge, but the words are still like knives in my heart. He said, “If I want a woman, I’ll be with a “real” woman.” Is every guy going to feel this way, and if they do, where does that leave me, single for eternity?
Once I sorted out my emotions, and came back to earth, I knew that I would one day share my life with someone. Along with this revelation, dysphoria about my body rushed all through me. Being intimate with whoever came into my life, was going to be a challenge for me. I hate my body, and the thought of someone else seeing it frightened me. As my new life started taking shape, Nicholas would enter my world. He would turn out to be my first boyfriend as my authentic self, and I would be his first trans woman ever. Being each other’s firsts, I believe made the dysphoria go away, because once we saw each other face to face I was totally okay with being intimate with him.I’m writing about this today because I’m starting to feel exactly like I did back in 2015. A few days ago a very nice guy asked me to go out on a date with him, I didn’t tell him no, but I asked him to be patient with me, and when I’m ready I’ll let him know. He was very understanding, and we left it right there. Fear has got a hold of me, and won’t let go. However, in the end just like in 2015, I will conquer it, and be happy again with another special human being.
“True love, like any other strong and addicting drug, is boring — once the tale of encounter and discovery is told, kisses quickly grow stale and caresses tiresome… except, of course, to those who share the kisses, who give and take the caresses while every sound and color of the world seems to deepen and brighten around them. As with any other strong drug, true first love is really only interesting to those who have become its prisoners. And, as is true of any other strong and addicting drug, true first love is dangerous.” ― Stephen King, Wizard and Glass
