My sleep, I can feel is starting to get off balance again. I’m having to try really hard to keep on a normal sleep schedule. Today was filled with a lot of nothing, so that left my mind in the idol position, and I somehow convinced myself that It would be healthy and therapeutic, to allow Nicholas in my life even if it were just as a friend. I do care about him still, but I can honestly say that, I’m no longer in love, and I don’t feel like I’m going to die without him. Then, I thought, if we can be friends, and have that closeness that we both miss, it would benefit both of us to get over the fact that what we built, and had, is now forever gone. Right after we started talking again, it did begin to affect me, but only for a split-second. I’m strong enough now to tell myself it’s “over”, and I’m in the mindset to move forward and not look backwards. With this thinking, and if it doesn’t change I have every hope that this will help us both. Only time will tell though, so I’ll keep my eye on it and see if it’s benefiting or harming either one of us and then adjust accordingly.
After Nicholas and I were connected again on social media, I did find someone that was a big part of our online romance in the beginning. I had just began to transition and was a member of a transgender support group. That’s where he and I met. There were a lot of people in this group that were supporters and allies of the transgender community, and we got to know a few of them, and they supported our new blossoming love. When I saw her name in his friends list I immediately sent her a friend request, and we picked up as if we hadn’t lost contact with one another. It was really comforting talking to her because she was there from the beginning of when Nicholas and I started talking, so it put my mind in a great place. She can listen to me and my problems that I’m dealing with, and she can give me an outside perspective. She too is going through a breakup, so I can be there for her in return. Together I have every belief that we will get better sooner than later.
I’m super excited about tomorrow, I can’t even put into words how excited I am. My new weave is scheduled to arrive, and I feel like a kid, the night before Christmas. It’s been a very long time since I had a new human hair piece. After Nicholas was gone, and I was on my own, I had a fear that I wouldn’t be able to afford the necessary things that it takes for me to present my truth. I’m very blessed and thankful that the fear I had was just that, a made up fear. Now that time has passed, and everything has settled down, I’m doing just fine. From this point, things only can get better and that makes me happy to live the life that I have now. My thinking process has done a complete shift, and I no longer see things through a lens that is so negative, and dooming.
